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Anatomy of a control freak

Stephen Fagan always needed to be in charge. When he bought a house that needs reforms, oversaw the work himself. He ordered his second wife, Barbara, to say "I love you" on the phone every time you call. He demanded that are in the window of the wavefront and every day until they found the sight. This behavior was all part of his carefully constructed world: a world of compulsive control that began falling apart in the Spring 1998. That was when Fagan was arrested at his mansion in Palm Beach for the 1979 kidnapping of his own baby daughter from a previous marriage after a bitter divorce.

Although Fagan says he rescued his daughters from a neglectful mother, first and second wives Stephen was a claim of Control Freak, which was much too far. It hard to argue with his assessment. Who would not agree that Stephen Fagan was a categorical Control Freak (not to mention a psychopath Full Blown)? One need not be a clinical psychologist to see that the trends in managing such are out of control. All the signs are there and something else. Most of control freaks, however, that some and I mix with are not nearly as obvious. However, if you know what to look for, they become relatively easy to detect. Top Ten Features of a Control Freak Of course, the most obvious and general characteristic of these people is the desperate desire for control. But there is more to this desire than it seems. These are the traits of the top ten: obnoxious, tenacious, invasive, obsessive, perfectionist, critical, irritable, demanding, rigid and closed-minded.

Right at the top hated, control freaks have the character of people that are offensive. The term is unpleasant, the Latin harmful which means that it hurts. And a lot of damage certainlycause Control Freaks. That hurt almost every relationship they have with their control and pernicious ways. Tim, a new teacher fresh out of graduate school is a good example. I watched him for almost four years in college where I teach. Wanting to make a good impression on his dean and colleagues, Tim did his best to follow his job description to the T. Always came to class and ahead of schedule, worked hard to mentor students outside of class, attended by all faculty meetings and keep notes on the proceedings demanding major articles published in respectable journals, offered his services in the community and submitted the quarterly reports of their achievements to their dean. He was a model scholar and superb teacher. But Tim had a problem. It was expected that everyone around them, including senior faculty members qualifying to do the same things he did. Tim never concealed his opinion. Regardless of rank or standing, said Tim weaknesses of his colleague and make suggestions on how they could improve. He once told me in no uncertain terms that he was disrespecting my students if I wear a tie to class.

Sometimes he quotes, verbatim, the rules and regulations of the faculty handbook to show how other people do not know anything about you. He was a stickler for the proper procedure at meetings, often hurting the feelings of others with their desire to follow Roberts Rules of Order. If that was not enough, Tim often reminded occasional statements made by fellow teachers at a previous meeting, the statements he had recorded in his notebook, and show them the way they were incompatible or misleading. In summary, Tim was a control freak and his most outstanding quality was being obnoxious. Nobody, but nobody seemed to enjoy his company. In case you're wondering, Tim (not his real name) never reached the status of owners. His colleagues rejected his request out of control, despite its long list of professional achievements, due to the lack of "collegiality." The report could have as easily dismissed, but not so kindly, said Control Freak was a detestable not get along with others and no one will have agreed.

Tough One child was in the back porch playing kind of rough with your cat reluctant. When they got to make a considerable commotion, his mother heard him and yelled at him, "Johnny, are you pulling the cat's tail?" "No, Mom," said the boy, "I'm just holding his tail. She's doing all the pulling." Control Freaks are a lot like Johnny. If someone suggests a new way of doing something, for example, are fiercely resisting the state in the way they want things done, no matter how strong the shock. Stubborn is another way to describe them. Be a control freak who will stick to his opinion as a pit bull holding onto a bone. No matter how illogical his argument or insignificant their point of view, it will not let go. It is part of the Code of Control Freak, "Never, never, never give in."

This man, for example, can easily several minutes to correct a story that you are saying because it is convinced that when he said on Monday was actually a Wednesday. No matter that makes absolutely no difference to the story, who wants to be right. So, even when loud protests, that they will let go of your item until transfer or resign. Control Freaks Once his eye on a specific point or goal, there is no arguing out of it. The commitment is indescribable. They are right and everyone else is wrong period, end of discussion. seventeenth-century clergyman, Henry Ward Beecher, Control Freaks must have had in mind when he said: "The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong no. "Invasive once counseled a man who grew up with a parent control. Everything he did as a child was under the watchful eye of his father. It was more than wanting to know where the child was and that he was with. This parent is careful inventory of your child's room. As a private detective, is operated via knapsack children and desk drawers regularly, not looking for anything in particular, just being nosy.

Control Freaks have little respect for privacy and often snoop in areas that are not their business. Some fans display their quality control invasive, less for espionage in other belongings, as they do for delving into the private lives of individuals. "How much did you pay for that watch?" asked boldly. "It's true that his brother might be losing their jobs? "Or," Tell me what's going on with you and your husband, I realize I do not sit together in church anymore. "They are constantly researching, searching, inspection, and hunting. Some control freaks will do anything to obtain information personal or private is their business. Speaking of the church, I saw some "holy" Control Freaks conceal their invasiveness in religious clothing. "Why the Lord put you in my heart? "can be ordered as a way to get your dose of gossip. Or," I want to pray for you, but I need to know what is really happening in your life. "Not that every parishioner personally interested is trying to invade your privacy, but when a control freak slips into a bank, it is rare. strategies and invasive procedures come in all stripes and colors. But whatever form they take, you can be sure you have used experienced Control Freaks most of them. Why? Because information is power. And the more power has a Control Freak, the better they feel.

So dig and delve in the lives of others, invading the places where we have all the signs posted, but said: "Private", "Keep Out." But control Freaks do not believe that these signs apply to them. Obsessive A friend recently told me about an experience he had lunch with a couple dozen business leaders. They met to hear a renowned economist who would be giving a speech about the recession. On a blackboard, he was a black spot with a heavy marker in the center of the paper and asked a man in the front row what he saw. The man quickly replied, "A black spot." He asked each person the same question, one one, and each one replied: "A black dot." With calm and deliberate emphasis, the speaker and then walked thoughtfully through the small platform, paused, then said: "Yes, there is a black spot, but none of you have mentioned the large sheet of white paper that is." He stood on the podium gathered his notes, said "thank you" and sat down.

My friend who attended the lunch, said the room was awfully quiet for a moment as he took his seat. The host who sat on the platform looked nervously around, not knowing what to do next. Then a person the back started clapping. Then another. Soon every businessman seated at each table was applauding the speaker. What he taught them about recession? You have to have perspective. You can not focus on one thing small or a short time. You have to see the big picture and put things in context. The message this bold speaker was simple, but profound. And it's a valuable lesson for everyone in the business world or not. But it is wasted in almost all Control Freak. You see, most of control freaks are not interested in the big picture. They are set to zero in on some minor details that often prevents them from seeing anything else. They may have suspected that something is wrong in a relationship,

for example, what are obsessed with every nuance of the conversation and involuntary movements than the other person does. It seems they can not concentrate on anything but the crack possible relationship. At work, Control Freaks can focus exclusively on particular, a problem which causes loss of view Other issues are more important. They can become so consumed by the amount of space the old files are taking, for example, to escape the work in hand because they are too busy trying to convince everyone that something must be done to purge the files. Or maybe they are afraid of their next review given jobperformance less than perfect marks. So obsessing endlessly about the possibilities and implications of a revision of the poor who can not even produce. Control Freaks obsessed of anything: a person sharp observation, a haircut, getting shortchanged in the pharmacy, who is dating someone else, where people sit around of a conference table, your children's friends, a comment that said last week a partner in the phone, and so on. Anything can become your "point black "as obsessed, to lose perspective, and the abandonment of the main idea. perfectionists Listen carefully and hear you say Control Freaks softly "I can not believe I did that, what an idiot!"

They were reprimanded for not having everything go exactly the way they so wished. "I can not believe I forgot my cell phone. "" Why do not I have planned for rain? "" I should have known the bank closed today early. "People feel frustrated from time to time because something throws a crack in the works, but the typical Control Freak I can not let go. Since the bank is closed when you thought it would be open, they punish themselves (or anger at the bank) and focus on how they have shaken the entire day. "I really needed to deposit this money today, you might say. So the logical question: "Did you write a check that might bounce because it failed to make the deposit? "And they reply:" No, no. I really wanted to get this off my to-do list and I was sure they were open. Why not I remember that about six of the Thursday? "Control Freaks demand perfection of themselves and all others. Few things are" good enough. "If you living with a control freak, you know this very well. For your perfectionist ways to set standards at home that never agreed to live. You may not matter that the pillows on the couch need to be angled in the corner so, but it makes for them and better figure that out. , Right? Or maybe could not care less when the gas gauge in the family car goes below its midpoint, but I learned that the Control Freak spouse does not like to be close, so compelling and fill it when you notice that red needle asked to do so. This small and countless other quarks are made to appease the Control Freak perfectionists. I love what the French writer, Francois Fenelon had to say about perfection. "It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect.

The more perfect we are, more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others. "As the recovery of Control Freak me confess that I take these words to heart. Criticism I've often been puzzled by those who make their living from being critical. How do they get away with some of the things they say? film critics, for example, can whip a film that ends up being a box office smash and critical reputation is not even tarnished. In a recent cross-country flight to DC, I read a newspaper review of a new book that filtered through the author's full efforts. The critical comments made me curious. So for I stop in Chicago, I jumped at the airport bookstore and read the first pages. I got hooked. I bought the book and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of my flight. As I said, I have often been confused by the professional critics. In fact, I made a habit of collecting "bad" comments. One of my favorites is the original 1946 Broadway production of Annie Get Your Gun. One critic wrote, "Irving Berlin score is musically not exciting or even melodious." Annie Get Your Gun turned out to be Berlin's biggest stage victory, which operates over a thousand performances on Broadway and resulting in some of the most popular songs history. When Sondheim came out, a respected critic said: "It seems clear this is not a great success." He became the third longest period in the history of Broadway. When the film Gone with the Wind hit theaters, one summed it up by saying: "No Civil War picture ever made a dime. "And in 1964, when Ronald Reagan was for a starring role in a movie to play the president of the United States, one critic said," Reagan does not look presidential. "Surly these critics who have lost their jobs, right? I think not. It seems to be critical, even when the criticism is unwarranted and out of the base, not always does great harm. It's just part of their work. But when criticism comes from an unsolicited unpaid Control Freak, you can be sure the damage is done. Anyone who has to live or work with a critic who is not getting a paycheck for criticizing know what I mean. Control Freaks may be some of the most painful criticism you'll ever meet. They can not seem to keep their critical comments in check. They abruptly critical as easily as a professional reviewer gives a "thumbs down" for a film. The question is why? Why ignore Control Freaks critical comments we like it or not, when it is your job? As someone who can be prone to critical comments to myself, I'll tell you why. Control Freaks often the critical comments in some way to make something or someone better. Of course, never does, but this does not prevent them from trying to control through criticism. "Those black shoes do not do much for his team: "A Control Freak Bride might say." You'd better use of coffee story in that skirt. "Of course, your friend becomes brown shoes.

Or in the case of a marriage: "I am ashamed to pull up in front of our house with so many weeds in our lawn, "The control of a wife might say to her husband. Guess who gets right to work in the yard? So if you're confused by this feature of Control Freak, I ask no more. You see, the criticism of the Control Freak is a wonderful tool for people to do what you want to do. Cranky irritable and contentious. Irritable and fussy. These were the kinds of words that appear in people mind to describe Roberta. She is a realtor in a big agency on the outskirts of Houston. Success. Very successful. For three consecutive years, Roberta was the selling agent in the city. How is it done? To work longer and harder than most others. Roberta was also a confessed control freak, who would oversee all aspects of sales made for both the buyer and seller. She did not want anyone else in his office making a mistake that a bad image for her to handle everything herself. But at a price-to be known as the most irascible and irritable person within miles. Everyone Roberta worked with, except for its customers, learned to walk on eggshells if you do not want to leave. The smallest of things could ruin your day. Once a face all afternoon because the district manager of your local wine by the people and not invited to a luncheon.

On another occasion, he became in a bad mood, because the battery on your cell phone does not recharge properly. She once chewed out a subordinate, because a "sold" was not placed on a property the day they requested it. On more than one occasion has launched a major adjustment because one of his colleagues to take a message she did not write the number correct phone for a client. When a train crosses made late for a meeting with a potential buyer in a property, which actually sounded the passing train as if to go faster and not complain about that all afternoon in the office. examples could continue, but the point is that Roberta, like many other fans control, is one of the most irritable'll ever meet. When control freaks do not get their way, not to be confused. They have an apparent inability to go with the flow. When they meet with the opposition, no matter how logical, become cross, cranky and moody. Little things that tick off: a principle difficult in a tomato sauce bottle, a car that is parked in the "wrong" side of the road, a flashlight not be where you are "supposed" be, and so on. For The Control Freaks, anything and everything can be cause for a tantrum. Demanding "Jenny, give me that!" Dan shouted to his wife. "No, no! It's mine. It's mine! "She replied." Give it to me now! "Dan grabbed her paycheck but Jenny had a good grip on it, and before you know it, the check was torn in two. Jenny was tired of the delivery of all financial affairs of her husband of control, but Dan said in the pattern Control Freak style: demanding. This is one of the pillars for the Control Freaks. To get their way, they often resort to make demands. Like a kidnapper who is trying to obtain a ransom, the people are asking around at will and whim. Besides trying to control the checkbook, Dan, for example, often barks at Jenny to make oatmeal in the morning. He insists it will never, ever touch the stereo in your living room.

Dan Jenny does answer the phone in another room, not bother, if you are watching a game on television. Jenny can even use a particular computer required when they go to dinner with friends. Without a doubt, Dan is in charge. As a brigadier general to control their troops, a control freak often shouts orders and expects all follow. If you live or work with this type of person you know how belittling, demeaning as it sometimes feels. And Jenny, you may have tried to draw the line and put an end to be sent there, but that does not stop most Control Freaks. They go right into a dominant and demanding. As I said, is one of its pillars. They meet a demanding attitude will keep hope that more in control. What the Control Freak does not understand is what the XIV century French writer Michel de Montaigne said so eloquently: "He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his reason is weak. "Stiff in the hit TV show Seinfeld, one of the most popular episodes was based on a life situation real, entitled "The Soup Nazi." It centered around a combative man running a small restaurant outside of New Yorkers stood in long lines to enjoy to carry out the orders of the creations of this kind of delicious soup. The catch? Customers had to endure the rigid rules of the Control Freak. Only one customer shop at a time. Place your order immediately. Do not point. Do not ask questions. Pay and leaves. If I wanted to feast on these tasty soups, you did what you said man. And if not? "No no soup for you ", the Soup Nazi would be easy." three months back. "episode struck a chord with the viewers because we all know Control Freaks who live by rigid rules and expect us to do the same. And maybe even the feeling of wanting to know what a control freak has to offer, and start with ridiculous claims to get it.

My wife and I once hired a gardener who mostly speak Russian. He did excellent work. You will not find a weed in our garden, if he had been there. He could get interesting things to grow in our pots. Ivy trained to curl up our retaining wall the way we wanted. And the trees in the yard seemed to do whatever he commanded. The problem? I've never let us know when I was going to work. Maybe next week or next month. Maybe ever. We never knew. Worse, it would stop halfway through a project and not when tell us that he return. He was in charge of your schedule and only worked when they wanted to work. If we try to get nailed a date, that was pressure, "De no way dat job. "It was hard about it. Most of them are control freaks. They have a way of doing things his way. Control Freaks can be as inflexible like a drill sergeant to try to force their ways on you. They want life to run a certain way and are unwilling to budge from his regime. Its exact data for the preparation of a salad (or soup), to drive a car, to raking leaves, and anything else not to be questioned. They "know" what is best for all and only "allow" others to take the reins if you follow their rules. A closed mind more quality in the top ten list of Control Freaks. Most of these people are not interested in discussion. It is as if they have the whole truth and anyone who disagrees with them is suspect. They fail to recognize that only God has the whole truth. They do not feel the need to examine both sides of any issue. His decision has been made even before knowing that there is another side to a problem. So close ranks to protect their views and denying even an effort to clarify, balance and understanding, not to mention the building of community with people who do not see things exactly as they do. "My mind is made and there is no change"

Ron said to all of us sitting around a conference table. We were in a council meeting to discuss an agenda item that had the potential to alter the direction in which the nonprofit organization that represents was going. Many of us felt the change can be for the better. It would have allowed the financial pressures are reduced while maintaining the cause and in the mission of the organization. But Ron, the chairman of the board, you hear nothing of it. He ended the conversation before it even started. Does not take into account the audience of some committee members who have been studying this for over a month? "A brave board member insisted." I have read its report, "Ron said," I've heard their concerns, and I reject them. I told you why. agenda. "Ron's zeal to stick to the mission original organization is blind to how the original mission is fulfilled and expanded if he would be open to the opinions of view that does not match yours. But Like many control freaks, Ron refused. And many of us left wondering why we, along with our opinions, even necessary. Take the help of telephone counseling .

A few days after I left that meeting, a member of fellow board sent me a sad note but thoughtful, in which he quoted English poet William Blake: "The man who never changes his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind. "This man went on to say in his note that he was resigning because Ron thought was too narrow, very closed mind because the hope any possibility of dialogue in the future. Unfortunately, many control freaks close their minds before allowing good thoughts to enter. And ultimately, this makes the heart are closed to people who also like to have a place in his life, if only space. _Les Parrott is founder of the Center for Development Relations at Seattle Pacific University and author of The Control Freak. He is also the co-author (with his wife) to save your marriage before it starts and Love Talk. Visit Dr. Parrott Web at www. RealRelationships.com._

About the Author

eCounseling.com is the only online counseling help website that allows clients and counselors to connect online – with no software to download or cumbersome technology!  It seeks to be an excellent information resource for consumers, and to connect prospective counseling clients to counseling professionals 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year. Its director is himself trained professional Arlen Pledge.

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